A Month Already

Exactly 1 month ago today, Grandpa passed away. Time has flown, and at the same time it's stood still, if that's possible. I had a really hard time saying that he "passed away" at first, and trying to utter the word "died" wasn't anywhere near my realm of possibility. Instead I would say that he went to be with God and the angels. It's still hard to talk about... the loss I feel is palpable. Sometimes I swear I can feel the crack down the middle of my heart. It's like it's not so much beating as it just throbbing, at this point. I knew it would be hard - the minute he got diagnosed I knew this time was coming and I knew it would be horrible. I just didn't know it would be this excruciating.

But, I do believe he's with God, and I do believe he's with the angels - he's probably flirting with all of them, in fact - so that is at least the slightest bit comforting. His spirit is everywhere: every time I remember to shut off the lights in the other room, when I shut off the water while I brush my teeth, when I reach for my re-usable grocery bags, when I probe perfect strangers about their personal lives, when I probe close friends about their personal lives, when I see roses, when I buy local, when I successfully sleuth out an answer. That's Grandpa, or at least a few small pieces of him. He's the voice in my head when I'm questioning what to do, and he's the moral compass that always guides me north. I more strongly feel courage of my convictions when I think of him. While he may not be physically present, I feel him with me.



i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)