Fear and Mind Games

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. My marathon is now LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY. Are youuuuuuuuuuu kidding me.

I have been really in my head lately with all this stuff. The reality is that I'm in great shape, I can run 15 freaking miles in one shot, I've toned up a lot, my legs are ridiculously strong (seriously, you don't want me to kick you), and I physically feel better than I've felt in a long time. But for whatever reason, I cannot get my head on board! I keep doubting myself. I keep thinking "How the hell am I ever going to do this...". I also keep worrying that something will go wrong during the race. What if my knees give out? What if my IT bands stick? What if my hips go? What if my legs cramp? What if I physically can't keep running? What if I let all my supporters down? What if I let my Grandpa down? I can't let him down. I cannot let him down.

I keep sabotaging myself in the strangest ways. Like 2 weeks ago, I had frozen yogurt on a Friday. That may sound like a really little thing, but when you consume too much dairy inside 36 hours of a long run, you are basically destined to shit your pants. Glamorous, right? You wouldn't believe how many runners deal with "GI discomfort" just from regular running. Throwing dairy in there just amplifies the situation, and I think that was part of why that bridge run was so crappy for me - I just felt like my stomach was going to explode the whole time. Ugh. Fail.

I know I'm not supposed to have the dairy, and I'm not supposed to eat anything too fibrous, and yet I did it anyway. Like a big fat idiot. It's little things like that, and I keep finding myself doing them. I don't know what the hell I'm thinking... I think I'm just in freak out mode. I hope I'm just in freak out mode... I'm also hoping tomorrow morning I can get some wise words from Coach Mike to help get me through it and get my head right.

BAHHHHHHHHH.